The Final Countdown
TIME: 0214HRS
DATE: November 10, 2008
PLACE: HYDERABAD, INDIA
LOCATION: UNDISCLOSED
I am suffering from DENGUE and I’m sitting on the hospital bed where I have been admitted since the past 4 days. My Blood platelet count is decreasing steadily every day. And if the trend continues its not gonna be more than 3 days for the story to conclude ;)
So I sit here and write a blog, taking this as my final entry so that the people who read / follow my blog should gain something worthwhile of this whole attempt I’ve made so far. And I have taken a promise from a friend of mine that this post would see light on my blog as internet is not available in the hospital.
I have always been a person who has been inclined towards annihilation.. I mean thinking about it always gave me rush…. But at the time when it all seems coming to an end.., the perspective has changed. Just like when a kid wants a toy very bad, and when he gets it, he loses interest. Same has happened to me. At this point of time I feel no fear. I feel just one thing ….”PEACE”, and that’s because I have accepted the fate whatsoever it may be. But all I am left with are questions … yes and so many of them in my mind and all of them are of similar kind… WHAT IF??
What if none of this had happened? What if this had happened to someone very dear to me? How would I have taken it? Believe me being in my position is wayyyy better than surviving a loss.
But then, I do not want to even think about trying to contradict nature because it might be nature’s checkmate.
If it has to be the end .. then why not as wonderful as the ending of the movie IF ONLY where the lover gets one last day to spend with his love and he spends it in the most perfect way ever. The way he wanted it to be.
Knowing that its just not more than a couple of hours in which you have to gauge if you have passed or failed the test of life…. What would you do?
I contemplate .. turn myself inside out… to try to get some clarity about life… and I come to a single conclusion.. the one thing, which would make story of my life achieve a humble end… the one thing which is evident from all this is that life gives you enough chances. I mean it cannot be blamed as unfair.
I have felt at times that life had given me chances…. To feel .. to express .. to rejuvenate. But at times I just seemed to lack the enthusiasm (which.. at times came out of sheer laziness). And now comes a day when the story is different altogether.
Right now, “Every second of laziness feels a waste of time and Every breath I take feels worth every dime!”
It is funny how human beings know the concept of mortality but everyone seems to ignore this fact when it comes to them. The truth has been shoved on my face. I cannot run, I cannot hide… the claws of fate are too strong to let go of me and I am too weak. I have never felt so weak in my life and it finally amuses me. I am amused at the sole thought that it had been an illusion all along. I have been duped. But that is the irony… all the people who have been duped do not live to tell the tale. And hence this post.
Let me brief you on the situation here. My dad has flown in all the way from Mumbai, my mom is back home in Chandigarh and my brother is out of country at this point of time. So its just me and my dad here and I got a bunch of friends who keep pouring in from time to time just to check on me ( yeah wonderful friends I got ).
As I lie closer to the end.. I see mixed reactions. All I do is notice the reactions of the people around me. The hospital staff does not seem to bother. The doctors and nurses have the same morbid expression. But it kills you when you see the eyes of a father. A father about whom his little boy always thought that he could set things right for him.. to see that man break apart…
I saw something in his eyes that I had never seen … it was fear, restlessness, panic. He had never been so helpless in his entire life.. and I am the cause. It kills me.. all I can feel is a feeling of profound sadness and pity. All I want to do was to hold his hand and tell that everything could be all right. But he is too smart to be fooled.
Another thought that comes to my mind.. well it’s the most common thought that would be there in everyone who gets to know that he’s gonna die soon is that how would I like to be remembered. Well I find it stupid at this point.. it like thinking about the strategy against the other team after losing the match. So anyhow I let that thought rest.. because what has happened.. has happened.. those who loved me will cherish it and for those who did not… it never mattered anyways.
It is just that one moment you are gliding along.. and the next moment you are standing in the rain watching your life fall apart. And so, you my friend, who reads this… I want to just convey what I feel right now.. convey that you should know how it feels.. convey that no matter if I lost to it.. you still have time.. do not waste your life.. it’s at the moment you are about to lose it you realize it’s worth.. it’s the colours and the people around that make you happy.
I say…. Do not be afraid.. Do not be afraid to fall in love.. Do not be afraid to pursue your dream.. Do not be afraid to tell someone what you really feel for them because… believe me …….the risks are worth being taken..
Believe me life is worth living!
DATE: November 10, 2008
PLACE: HYDERABAD, INDIA
LOCATION: UNDISCLOSED
I am suffering from DENGUE and I’m sitting on the hospital bed where I have been admitted since the past 4 days. My Blood platelet count is decreasing steadily every day. And if the trend continues its not gonna be more than 3 days for the story to conclude ;)
So I sit here and write a blog, taking this as my final entry so that the people who read / follow my blog should gain something worthwhile of this whole attempt I’ve made so far. And I have taken a promise from a friend of mine that this post would see light on my blog as internet is not available in the hospital.
I have always been a person who has been inclined towards annihilation.. I mean thinking about it always gave me rush…. But at the time when it all seems coming to an end.., the perspective has changed. Just like when a kid wants a toy very bad, and when he gets it, he loses interest. Same has happened to me. At this point of time I feel no fear. I feel just one thing ….”PEACE”, and that’s because I have accepted the fate whatsoever it may be. But all I am left with are questions … yes and so many of them in my mind and all of them are of similar kind… WHAT IF??
What if none of this had happened? What if this had happened to someone very dear to me? How would I have taken it? Believe me being in my position is wayyyy better than surviving a loss.
But then, I do not want to even think about trying to contradict nature because it might be nature’s checkmate.
If it has to be the end .. then why not as wonderful as the ending of the movie IF ONLY where the lover gets one last day to spend with his love and he spends it in the most perfect way ever. The way he wanted it to be.
Knowing that its just not more than a couple of hours in which you have to gauge if you have passed or failed the test of life…. What would you do?
I contemplate .. turn myself inside out… to try to get some clarity about life… and I come to a single conclusion.. the one thing, which would make story of my life achieve a humble end… the one thing which is evident from all this is that life gives you enough chances. I mean it cannot be blamed as unfair.
I have felt at times that life had given me chances…. To feel .. to express .. to rejuvenate. But at times I just seemed to lack the enthusiasm (which.. at times came out of sheer laziness). And now comes a day when the story is different altogether.
Right now, “Every second of laziness feels a waste of time and Every breath I take feels worth every dime!”
It is funny how human beings know the concept of mortality but everyone seems to ignore this fact when it comes to them. The truth has been shoved on my face. I cannot run, I cannot hide… the claws of fate are too strong to let go of me and I am too weak. I have never felt so weak in my life and it finally amuses me. I am amused at the sole thought that it had been an illusion all along. I have been duped. But that is the irony… all the people who have been duped do not live to tell the tale. And hence this post.
Let me brief you on the situation here. My dad has flown in all the way from Mumbai, my mom is back home in Chandigarh and my brother is out of country at this point of time. So its just me and my dad here and I got a bunch of friends who keep pouring in from time to time just to check on me ( yeah wonderful friends I got ).
As I lie closer to the end.. I see mixed reactions. All I do is notice the reactions of the people around me. The hospital staff does not seem to bother. The doctors and nurses have the same morbid expression. But it kills you when you see the eyes of a father. A father about whom his little boy always thought that he could set things right for him.. to see that man break apart…
I saw something in his eyes that I had never seen … it was fear, restlessness, panic. He had never been so helpless in his entire life.. and I am the cause. It kills me.. all I can feel is a feeling of profound sadness and pity. All I want to do was to hold his hand and tell that everything could be all right. But he is too smart to be fooled.
Another thought that comes to my mind.. well it’s the most common thought that would be there in everyone who gets to know that he’s gonna die soon is that how would I like to be remembered. Well I find it stupid at this point.. it like thinking about the strategy against the other team after losing the match. So anyhow I let that thought rest.. because what has happened.. has happened.. those who loved me will cherish it and for those who did not… it never mattered anyways.
It is just that one moment you are gliding along.. and the next moment you are standing in the rain watching your life fall apart. And so, you my friend, who reads this… I want to just convey what I feel right now.. convey that you should know how it feels.. convey that no matter if I lost to it.. you still have time.. do not waste your life.. it’s at the moment you are about to lose it you realize it’s worth.. it’s the colours and the people around that make you happy.
I say…. Do not be afraid.. Do not be afraid to fall in love.. Do not be afraid to pursue your dream.. Do not be afraid to tell someone what you really feel for them because… believe me …….the risks are worth being taken..
Believe me life is worth living!
posted by rocko_001 at
9:15 PM
3 Comments
